


Shifty Job Offers from Local Woman Who Speaks in Static

by AlwaysAmused



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Fisher - Freeform, Gen, Pre-Moonbase BOB, Shifty job offers, The Bureau of Outstanding Balance, rating for swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:02:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25210579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysAmused/pseuds/AlwaysAmused
Summary: Lucretia is forty-three on a technicality when she meets Johann.He is scruffy looking in ill-fitted clothes, and a violin under his chin as he plays for money on a mid-autumn day. She’s sitting at a café with Maureen as they go over some of their plans, but Lucretia can’t get herself to pay too much attention. They’re so close to raising the moonbase, she’s drifting, and the violin player is drawing her attention.
Relationships: The Director | Lucretia & Johann, The Director | Lucretia & Maureen Miller
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	Shifty Job Offers from Local Woman Who Speaks in Static

Lucretia is forty-three on a technicality when she meets Johann.

He is scruffy looking in ill-fitted clothes, and a violin under his chin as he plays for money on a mid-autumn day. She’s sitting at a café with Maureen as they go over some of their plans, but Lucretia can’t get herself to pay too much attention. They’re so close to raising the moonbase, she’s drifting, and the violin player is drawing her attention.

 _He’s very good,_ she thinks to herself. His eyes are closed as he is fully absorbed in his art, but he doesn't seem to be earning anything.

“Lucretia?”

Lucretia jumped and her eyes return to Maureen, leaning against her hand and watching her with raised eyebrows. “You good there?”

“Oh,” Lucretia says. “Yes. Thanks.” She takes a sip of her tea and glances back at the violinist. He reminds her, somehow, of Lup and Taako. “He’s very good,” Lucrtia says, and Maureen glances over to him.

“Oh, yeah? He’s here a lot. His music’s a little to melancholy for me, but yeah, I suppose if you’re into that?” Maureen shrugs. “I don’t really know music.”

Lucretia nods slowly. She finally gets up. “I’ll be right back,” she says, an idea forming in her head. She picks up her purse and walks over to where the young violinist is, waiting for him to finish. There’s no sheet music, she realizes. Either he’s playing from memory or improvising, and Lucretia isn’t sure which. She places her money in the cup he’s got offered in front of him.

When he finishes his piece, Lucretia claps softly and he jumps, eyes flying open.

“Ah! Oh, uh, thanks,” the violinist says, his voice deep as his eyes skitter away. “Um. Yeah. Any requests?”

“No, not really,” Lucretia says, putting her hands in the pockets of her coat. “I just wanted to remark, you’re very good. Do you write your own music?”

“Oh!” he hunches his shoulders and blinks up at her. “Thank you. Yeah, um. Yes. I do.”

“You have a lot of talent,” Lucretia says, smiling warmly. “The most I’ve seen in a while.”

The violinist made an incoherent noise of fluster, shrugging as he tugs on his hat and pulls his threadbare coat a little closer as the wind picks up.

“My name is Madam Director Lucretia,” she continues, holding out her hand. “I’m the director of a new organization called the _Bureau of Outstanding Balance_.”

She knows her voice has staticked out when he takes a step back, staring at her mouth with wide eyes. He stares at her, then down at her hand, then back up at her before tentatively reaching out and grasping it. His fingers long and thin and very strong.

“Johann,” he says, so quiet she almost misses it. He pulls his hand away quickly.

“It’s nice to meet you, Johann,” she says with a smile. “I’d like to offer you a job. Can I buy you lunch?”

Johann stares at her again before saying, “Sure, I guess? Could you— Sorry, but I— I didn’t catch the name of your organization, I think.”

“The Bureau of Outstanding Balance,” Lucretia repeats and Johann gives her a deeply troubled look. “Don’t worry too much about not catching it,” she says. “That’s sort of the point.” She starts heading back to where Maureen’s seated and doesn’t have to turn around to hear Johann scrambling to get his shit together to follow her. She waits up for a moment until he’s at her side before continuing.

Maureen is watching them with raised eyebrows and a bemused smile. “Make a friend?” she says, looking to Lucretia.

“Yes,” she replies. “This is Johann. Johann, this is my friend, Dr. Maureen Miller.”

“Nice to meet you, Johann,” Maureen says and starts packing away their notes from earlier, away from prying eyes.

“Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of you,” he says. “You’re the elevator person, right?”

“That’s my dad,” Maureen says. “But same family, yeah.”

Before long, Lucretia’s got Johann situated with food and a hot drink that he cradles in his hands, shoulders hunched again. “So,” he says after a while. “You mentioned something about a job? Because, like, I super appreciate this and all, but your organization isn’t, um, one I’ve heard of before.”

Maureen snorts into her cup, and Johann glances at her nervously.

Lucretia ignores her. “Yes, well, there’s a reason for that. Johann, I’ve acquired a creature of that erases memories.”

“Oh,” Johann says. “And so, you’ve erased the name of your organization? Isn’t that a little counterintuitive? Especially when you’re hiring, like jeez.”

Lucretia wraps her hands around her teacup. “It was an important decision. There’s not a lot of information I can give you right now, especially since you won’t be able to understand most of it. But, if you come with us, we can get you inoculated, and have a proper discussion about the terms of your job.”

“So…” Johann frowned. “I don’t have to decide now?”

“You do not,” Lucretia confirms. She glances around a little bit before leaning in. “A long time ago,” she says. “There were these… very powerful magic objects created. Our mission with the organization is to find these objects and destroy them. Did any of that static out?”

“No, you’re good,” Johann said. “So, you need my help to do this? I don’t understand. Why me? I don’t exactly have any ‘save the world’ skills, I’m just a violinist.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Lucretia said. “You’re just as important as anyone else.” Johann hunched his shoulders and looked away. Lucretia went on, “The creature I spoke of before has a very restrictive diet. Specifically, it likes to feed on art.”

“Okay,” Johann says, drawing out the A. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head a little. “You’re not, like, going to murder me, right? This isn’t some elaborate plot to get me to a secondary location?”

Maureen laughs. Lucretia looks him dead in the eye and says, “No, you’re right to be worried. I think I’d be worried too if a woman who speaks in static appears and offered me a job off the street. I say it’s a healthy amount of suspicion.”

Johann squints at her as if trying to figure out if she’s serious or not. Lucretia just leans back in her chair and takes a long sip from her tea, watching him.

Finally, Johann sighs, propping his elbow on the table and leaning his cheek on his hand. “You know what? Fine. I’ve got nothing to do with the rest of my life, anyway. Let’s do it.”

Lucretia smiles and puts her cup down. “Thank you, Johann. Maureen, are we ready to go?”

“I think so,” Maureen says. “I’ll go pay.” She gets up, gathering the dishes as she goes. When she’s gone, Johann sits back up and shuffles a bit in his chair.

“So,” he says. “You really think I’m that good?”

Lucretia gives him a serious look. “Perhaps I’m not an expert on music,” she says. “But I’m quite a good judge of character, and I recognize the talent and hard work you put into your trade. You’re quite good, perhaps the best violinist I’ve heard.” _Sorry, Lup,_ she thinks.

“Oh,” Johann squeaks and finally gives her a small smile. “Thanks.”

“You’re quite welcome,” Lucretia says and gives him a small smile in return.

When they get to the Bureau’s little base, Lucretia takes Johann to see Fisher. Fisher hums gently as they walk in and Johann gasps slightly, covering his ears with his hands and muttering, “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.”

“Hello, Fisher,” Lucretia murmurs, and takes a paper cup cones from the water cooler dispenser, dipping it into the tank and offering it to Johann. “Drink this,” she says.

“Oh, what the _fuck_ ,” he deadpans as he takes it. He looks into the cup and swirls around the liquid. “It’s viscous.”

“It doesn’t taste that bad,” Lucretia says. “But I understand. The texture is wanting.”

He swirls the liquid. It has the consistency of unsolidified jello. “…Do I have to?”

“No,” she says. “You could always leave.”

Johann continues to make a face at the cup, then sighs and downs it like a shot. He gasps in that moment, dropping the cup—this is why they use paper cups now—and backing away, blinking several times. “Oh, _shit_ ,” he says. “What the fuck.”

“Are you alright?” she asks, both hands on her staff.

“The Relics!” he says, eyes wide as he looks at her. “You’re going after the fucking _Relics_?”

Lucretia nods once, takes a deep breath, and begins. “The Relics were created by seven wizards known as the Red Robes. Liches, who wanted nothing more than absolute power,” she lies. “One day, they cast their creations out into the world, causing the war you no doubt remember now. Although I erased the knowledge of them, they’re still out there, and any one of them could cause the end of the world if they are not found and properly disposed of.

“This,” she continues, reaching out and placing a hand on Fisher’s tank. “Is the Voidfish. They have a vary particular diet that consists of information, including—”

“Art,” Johann says. “You said before it— they? That they eat art. And that your organization is the Bureau of Outstanding Balance.”

“Yes,” Lucretia says. “Johann, I need someone to help feed the Voidfish. Without them, the Bureau’s mission becomes so much harder. I need an artist to feed them.”

Johann looks up at Fisher, and she can almost see his mind forming questions. He’s clutching at his violin case. “So. You want me to compose pieces to feed to your memory-numbing jellyfish?”

“In short, yes,” Lucretia says.

He’s silent for a few moments, still staring at Fisher. “How much is the pay?” he asks.

“Well,” she says. “Room and board would be included with your employment. I can pay you up front, then for each composition. How much would you like?”

Johann furrows his brows as he looks down at his violin. Lucretia remembers having to do something similar once, on her homeworld, when she was first starting to price her work.

“Fifty gold?” Johann eventually says, looking hopeful.

“Come now, I think you’re worth more than that,” Lucretia says, somehow managing to not laugh at the low price. “If you like, I’m more than ready to give you until the end of the week to think it over. I’ll be honest with you, Johann, this would be quite the commitment.”

Johann’s eyes widen. “How much should I ask for?” he asks incredulously.

Lucretia considers. “I’d be willing to pay at _least_ one-hundred gold per composition.”

“ _Oh_.” Johann looks overwhelmed by this information. He looks back at Fisher’s tank and scoots closer to it, reaching out a tentative hand to touch the glass. “…You said room and board is included?”

“Yes,” she says. “We’re in the process of creating a better base. Because you’d be filling an important position, you would have a practice room and all the materials you require.”

Johann nods slowly, still looking up at the Voidfish. “Okay,” he says. “I’m in.”

“Are you sure?” Lucretia asks.

Johann’s hand falls away from the glass. “I mean,” he says, “I’m not doing a lot else with my life, am I? And… that war was a catastrophe. The Relics, they’re dangerous. I can’t just walk away from that.” He looks down at his violin again. “I want to help, in any way I can.”

Lucretia clutches at her staff, relief filling her; this is one less thing to worry about. “Well then,” she says with a warm smile. “Welcome, Johann, to the Bureau of Outstanding Balance.”

He nods absently, looking back at Fisher. Then, he gives her a sideways look, brow furrowed. “Hey, you know the acronym of your organization is BOOB, right?”

For a moment they stare at one another.

“Well goddammit _,_ ” she says flatly. She pulls out her journal and starts writing about a name change.

“Why don’t you just drop the ‘outstanding’ bit?” Johann suggests.

“Oh yeah, that’s dope,” Lucretia says, nodding and writing that down. “Love an easy fix.” She pulls a slip of paper from her pocket and writes _The Bureau of Balance_ down on it, then hands it to Johann. “Here,” she says. “Feed this to them, it’ll show you how it works, a little.”

“Cool,” Johann says uncertainly, taking the piece of paper. “So I just… drop it in?”

Lucretia heads towards the door. “Yeah, just drop it right in. I’ll send Davenport to pay your advance. Welcome aboard.”

She leaves, and Johann looks down at the slip of paper in his hands, unfolding it. “The Bureau of Balance, huh?” he murmurs to himself. He holds it over the tank for a moment, then drops it in. The paper sinks, and then the Voidfish grabs it with their tentacles.

 _Do jellyfish have tentacles?_ Johann thinks vaguely as he watches them seems to absorb the paper. The galaxy that lives in their bulb seems a little brighter for a moment, and then they calm and float on, leaving Johann to his musings.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a scene from a WIP that got half-absorbed into _Soft Respite_. Unfortunately I couldn't find a place for it there, but thought it would make a nice piece on its own. I hope you enjoyed it!


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